How to De-stress the Holidays
Navigate the holiday season with less resistance and feel free with this unconventional approach
Ohhh! It's holiday time y'all and with that comes holiday stress — whether that stress feels welcomed or challenging, it’s there. (But, it doesn’t have to be.) For some, holidays bring excitement, joy, and festive celebration. There’s a magic excitement in the air. And for some, this time of year brings up pain, sadness, grief, high stress, family trauma, and heartache. Or maybe a bit from both ends of the spectrum. I’ve felt all of this before and empathize with you if you’re experiencing any of these. In sharing this article, my hope is that you are validated and acknowledged however you feel this holiday season and that you know it is possible to do things differently than you or your family has done before. Down below, I’ll share holiday stress tips for navigating this holiday season... a bit differently. Even if the holidays aren’t that tough but you’d still benefit from reducing some stress, read on.
Why are the holidays so stressful?
Before diving deeper into why holidays incite stress, let’s define stress. We’ve got to name it to tame it, right?
Stress is a physiological response to events/experiences that impact every person differently. Each of us responds to situations differently for several reasons, like genetics, heredity, generational aspects of stress and trauma, conditioned behaviors, fears, etc. This is why we can’t expect everyone to feel the same way about the holidays because there are a lot of layers involved (family history, financial stability, relationships with people, food, money, religion — just to name a few!)
Holidays are loaded — with pressure, expectations, obligations, money spent (or the pressure to feel like money needs to be spent), people-pleasing (and people-disappointing), busy energy, socializing with people you might not want to socialize with, excess food consumption (or a heightened awareness of food scarcity for many families!).. It’s a lot!
Pause for a moment and notice how your body feels right now. Is it clenched, tense, contracted? Or, does it feel content, calm? Excited? And what about your breath? How’s your breath feel after reading that paragraph? Is it shallow, fast, steady, slow?
Some folks reading that paragraph above might be excited and stoked about all of the holiday busyness while other friends might contract and recoil, feel overwhelmed, or shut down. Each of these reactions is totally normal and equally valid because of all the factors that influence why and how an individual responds to stressors.
This article is not meant to be anti-holiday or have a Grinch vibe (I love celebrations!) But, the truth is a lot of people feel heaviness and a burden this time of year, and it’s time we talk about it.
If you love the holidays and you’re excited, inspired, and feel good — YES! I love that and I’m so glad you feel that way! You can still evaluate what is working, what you’d like to feel more of and assess whether or not some traditions need to change this holiday season.
Contemplate
I encourage you to take a few moments and get honest with yourself by answering the questions below. As you work through them, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. It can stir up a lot that’s below the surface. It’s okay to step back and revisit the question again later if you need to.
How do you feel about the holidays?
What’s important to you and why?
How do you feel right now leading up to the peak of the holiday season?
Is there anything worrying you about getting together for the holidays?
Are there certain people or places you truly don’t want to go?
What is expected of you and by whom?
What memories do you have of the holidays (childhood and adulthood)?
Is there anything you’d like to change about your holiday traditions? If so, what obstacles are there?
Is there anything you would like to continue with your holiday traditions?
What would you like to feel around this time of year?
Reduce holiday stress by determining your needs
It’s up to you to determine what is and isn’t working for you, but here are some common examples of holiday stressors:
Every time you go to your in-laws’ house, a fight ensues or you’re criticized or antagonized in some way.
Every year you’re expected to cook the entire holiday meal and host everyone, but this year you just don’t feel up to it.
Your entire extended family is expected to gather, including your racist uncle that always makes racist comments and you don’t want to be around him (speaking from personal experience with this one!)
Maybe disordered eating gets triggered, or you feel pressure to over-eat and then crash diet afterward.
The obligation to spend a lot of money on gifts, travel, etc., and you really don’t have the money or want to spend your precious time off traveling at the most expensive time of year.
You’re tired of being asked when you’ll get married or have kids.
It’s your only time off and you want to relax but there’s just so much to do for the holidays.
My point is -- there is a lot that can come up for people! After you honestly reflect on the contemplative questions above, you’ll have a better idea of what is and isn’t working for you — and hopefully, what you’d like to change this holiday season. So, how do we do that?
Redefine the holidays
What I’m about to say might trigger you (or inspire you). Alright, here it goes — there are other ways of doing “the holidays”. Things don’t have to continue in the same way they have for generations, and if it hasn’t been working for you, I’d like to lovingly offer you another way.
In some instances, you’ll need to communicate your boundaries with people. For example, if Aunt Sue always asks you when you’re gettin’ hitched and for whatever reason you don’t want to be asked this question, try this:
Firmly and respectfully say, “I’m not comfortable discussing this, so I kindly request that you stop asking me.” Then, redirect the conversation to something else. If they press on, you have every right to walk away when your boundaries have been crossed.
If you’re tired of cooking the meals and don’t want to host this year, send an email/text to everyone saying something like, “Hi family! I’ve enjoyed hosting for x-years and I love getting together, but this year I don’t have the capacity to cook/host. (No need to explain yourself.) Would anyone else be able to host or can we meet at a park/community center/church and do a potluck meal? Thank you all for being flexible - can’t wait to celebrate with you!”
If you dread going to the family’s house where you’re criticized and antagonized. Don’t go (this is tough, I know. Especially if your partner wants to go or your parents push you. People will judge you and get upset — let them.)
If you’d like to see your family, but you really can’t afford the travel plans and gifts, plan a family meet-up in the spring or summer when flights are less expensive and the pressure is less intense.
If your partner wants to go to their parents’ house but you don’t want to, figure out a compromise. They go and you get some time to do whatever you want. They’re happy and you’re happy. If you go when you don’t want to, you’ll be miserable and resent them and they’ll feel your stress which burdens them. Let them go and you do what you want to do. Give yourself and them the freedom to choose. (With children: you’ll need to figure this out together. If it’s an unhealthy environment for the children, don’t let them go. It doesn’t matter if it’s “family”, unhealthy is unhealthy. If it’s a healthy environment for children but you personally don’t feel good there, let your kid go with your partner.)
If you want to see some family members, but get overwhelmed with everyone at once: be honest and say, “I’m not able to come on Christmas day, but I’d really like to see you - can we have tea the following day?”
Here are my top tips to reduce holiday stress and family stress by redefining the holidays:
Find what feels good for YOU and your family: partner(s), children, pets, friends, yourself, nature — whatever family means for you.
Make your own traditions: go to the beach or hiking, buy just one present or no presents, volunteer, go on a trip somewhere else or make it a staycation! Invite your friends over for a casual hang.
Communicate with respect, but know that you cannot please everyone and it’s okay to want different things. Let people know by saying something like, “We’ll be doing something different this year, but we send our love to you all! Thanks for understanding. See you in the new year!”
And stick to it! Check-in with yourself next year to see what shifts want to be made and adjust accordingly.
If you’re comfortable with your current holiday planS, but you want to take care of yourself amidst it all:
Work through the contemplative prompts to identify what could bring you more ease
Communicate with whomever needs to be in the loop about anything you might need for support/space
Give yourself 5 minutes a day leading up to the holidays and on the celebration days to check-in with yourself, your body, and your breath (My 5 Minute Reset is great for that!) The shower, while you’re brushing your teeth, or waiting for coffee to brew is just enough time to check-in.
At the end of the day, spend a moment reflecting on the fullness of your life and all that it entails. Sip in several big, juicy breaths to replenish the fullness of all that you’re experiencing, giving, doing, being. Hold your breath at its peak fullness, and with exuberance let out an audible, expressive sigh! Enjoy a few big, full rounds like this before settling your exhalations into a slow, soft cadence.. to notify your nervous system it’s time to unwind after a full day.
Return to your center with placing your hands on your heart, and asking what it is she needs. Sometimes, all she needs is your presence and spacious breath to flow.
Let’s be real
I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I’m a straight up kinda gal. Redefining the holidays can be difficult at first. You and your loved ones might experience resistance, guilt, confusion, resentment.. But you also might experience relief, freedom, space, and expansion. Like most growth edges and periods of change, it requires an honest look inside about what’s important to you (hence the contemplative questions above!) And, direct communication with your loved ones about the changes. Maybe a little willingness to ruffle feathers too. But as I said, you can only control how you present yourself and you can’t control how others will perceive you or react. And sometimes, you just need to do what you need to do for your own mental, emotional, and/or physical health.
Ultimately, it’s important that you choose what is right and good and healthy for you — which can feel uncomfortable and hard. But, if you communicate with love and respect, that’s just the best you can do. People will have their opinions and judgments about you, let them. Because honestly, they’ll have opinions and judgments about you regardless.
I’ve been there and have since redefined what “the holidays” mean for me, so I personally know the stuff that can come up with your loved ones when you inform them that you’re doing something different.
I know that the suggestions in this article are not applicable to everybody in every situation — my point in sharing this is to offer a different perspective, different approach, and to let you know there are other ways of doing and being. Please find what works for you and share with me if you wish.
I’m here if you need support! Please email me and let me know how your heart is doing and what you’re feeling this year!
Thank you, I love you!
